The RBG. She burns
Those that know me (and once knew me) well, remember my “dedication” to PC gaming. We’ve probably raided, quested, leveled up and even PVP’ed together for years and aside from getting to know me and my avant-garde personality, you also knew that I ALWAYS HAD A TERRIBLE COMPUTER.
I would lag, disconnect, bring the group down, miss a heal, irritate people, miss ALL sorts of content, get extremely frustrated, rage-quit, complain, and then go for angry power walks bemoaning the fact that I could never afford a good computer.
Well the turns have tabled!
For the first in my colorful life, I purchased an actual gaming computer. Spent my hard-earned bonus/pay out on a good graphics card (RTX 3060ti), 16 gb of RAM with a background on the screen that ACTUALLY says Republic of Gamer (I’ll be changing that). It’s hilarious, maybe even a little “cringe” but I’m so happy to own a PC again that I can just embrace the RBG and what comes with it. I’ve already been informed that at this point in time this is even a “mid-range” graphics card but it’s a whole hell of a lot better than the HP piece of shit I was given for free. I couldn’t have too many tabs open, or it would get confused, heat up and forget what it was for an hour.
Whatever the graphics card, I’m a casual anyway so we are happy for stuff that works just properly. Yes, the bar is actually set that low. Plus, the fact that I am( according to teenagers named Evie) an OG in the PC gaming world. Maybe this lowers my standards? It also seemed to annoy Evie, which to me is the proper thing to do as a parental figure of sorts. If you’re not annoying your children, where are you in life?
I’ve played games off and on (sometimes very very on) for about 20 years solid now, and most of that was on a LAPTOP*. Having my own beast of a PC with a solid graphics card had me sighing with both happiness and awe as I purposefully put myself in the most congested areas of an MMORPG and ran around with zero lag. I could see all the spell affects, shadows, and parts of zones that I hadn’t really seen before. It’s a completely different experience than the one I had settled myself with for years.
I’m also plugged directly into the router, which is also a game changer. Namaste, bitches.
Naturally I immediately reactivated World of Warcraft and picked up Baldurs Gate 3. Cyber Monday I picked up Red Dead 2 and it’s currently downloading as we speak. Having a Steam account is going to be mega dangerous but here is where I say “fuck it” because I am the biggest internal stress bag in the world right now and I need an outlet.
Why the stress? You may be asking.
It’s absolutely my job. I know it comes with the territory, but I didn’t realize the complete mental exhaustion of dealing with severe personality disorders on the daily would affect me so deeply. The pace with working in a mental health outpatient unit can get insanely stressful and moves at such a break-neck speed that I often feel sick to my stomach when driving home.
Even though this level of work stress is sadly completely common– I think we can all agree this is not the way to live life. These past few months I would just come home, pour a drink, and sit with candles and classical music to try and calm the fuck down, and get out of my head. I also tried working out, which helped minimally, as all I could focus on when lifting was how irritated I was still, but at least I would do more reps (in a very annoyed, emphatic manner). But I do like how I feel after the workout at least, for a short time.
Now I can work out, and THEN kill pixelated monsters, maybe pvp and/or be a complete asshole to the NPC’s in Baldur’s Gate who are super annoying. It’s a different kind of release and it’s a lot better this round at my current age, than being completely dependent on it in my younger years for the dopamine hit and social life I had built up extensively, online.
I can be publicly candid here and state the obvious: I’ve been fighting bad depression for a couple years now. I keep dipping into therapy, but I usually dip right back out after a couple sessions as it’s not been remotely helpful. I’m still hoping I can skate by without medication but I’m not doing myself any favors here with not following through with my own mental health. The crux of the problem is that I feel like if I just “snap out of it” that I COULD pull myself out so I should leave the resources to the people who can’t pull themselves out, so we end up in quite the vicious circle with me thinking I’m not bad enough to get help.
I know I’m a difficult patient and often a difficult person, and almost too self-aware. And maybe a huge ball of self-sabotage, and I probably should talk about that with a therapist. This is a work in progress.
At least I am slowly finding outlets. Mentally turning off and gaming in this stage of life is more helpful than harmful, as I don’t have the capacity to sit as long as I did when I was younger. I actually set time limits for computer usage and found myself happily cleaning up the kitchen the other night. This afternoon after a doctors appointment I played for about an hour and then immediately started on a new painting project afterward. So you guys, as you can SEE, I have it in me somewhere. I’ll have it all figured out.
Meanwhile it’s death by RBG over here. Computer, speakers, mouse and keyboard all have backlit, rainbow options and it’s hilarious. I keep most of them set to a tasteful, easy on the eyes blue but I might go red for Christmas.
Thank you reading about my tenuous grasp on reality for an in-depth look at what it’s like to be dancing on the edge of a mental illness. I’d be lying if I said the music wasn’t kicking complete ass. Let’s close out with Black Sabbath’s The Wizard and find solace in gaming as an outlet, and not an addiction.
Yet!
*No offense at all meant to Lappy
The Devious Scribe 
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