Burning Inside

Ceci N’est Pas Une Lune

In lieu of the myriad of problems my Jurassic ovarian masses are causing, I am on the tale end of an absolutely raging IBS flare up. The symptoms were multiple, the pain was non-stop, and I wish I could tell you that I was over here ripping heinous, plant-killing farts and fumigating my flat. This was not the case. Everything gets trapped in my abdominal cavity, and I have fantasies of eviscerating myself like a sea-cucumber.

Once again, I have put myself on a FODMAP diet. Which is hilariously harder, and stricter than Keto.

FODMAP stands for fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharides and polyols, which are short-chain carbohydrates (sugars) that the small intestine absorbs poorly. No blood sacrifice or ritual can appease the guts, you must purge your system of high FODMAP foods so the beast may finally slumber.

Today has seen a slight lessening of pressure, but I am not out of the woods yet. At least I can see the edge of the forest. Every day that passes since last weekend, I feel less and less like I have rocks in my intestines, and that someone has inflated my peritoneal cavity with a bicycle tire pump.

My doctor essentially lectured me that I need to revert back to FODMAP whenever I’m having problems. Which has been all the time lately. The combination of my other issues, plus gut inflammation, has also amped my anxiety to stratospheric levels.

After a serious support talk with my mother (the oracle of discipline) about diets and portion control, we think I can help my symptoms with changing the way I eat beyond FODMAP: I am now attempting 4-5 small meals a day instead of the standard three meals with zero snacking. This is turning out to be an extremely hard habit to break, and I’m shocked. Shook, as the kids say.

Over 12 years ago I completely changed the way I ate with a neat swan dive (more like belly flop) into the world of the Ketogenic Diet. I was extremely successful, broke all sorts of bad habits with food, and changed the way I ate and even thought about meals. As a result, I tend to lean into low-carb eating more, and to this day-still avoid most sugar. One thing that I learned with this lifestyle was going a long-ass time in between meals, as I was just not hungry. Now, I have to consume small bits of food even when I’m not hungry and it’s just…weird. I’ve had to look at a few harsh realities this past weekend.

Sarah’s Harsh Realities.
I am:
1.) 12 years older.
2.) Hosting a plethora of abominations growing out of endometriosis covered ovaries, which is 100% messing with my entire body.
3.) Struggling with the typical bullshit of this age. For example: a stalled in mid-air metabolism, weight gain from weekend wines, whacked out hormones and this weird fatigue that drops on me out of nowhere and makes me feel like I’m walking through sand.
4.) In a harsh vicious cycle of IBS flare ups because of food, that exacerbates everything else because, endo.

I’ve had to set timers to remind me to EAT. Not because I am wasting away (lets be real here) but it’s to remind me to have a small bite to eat so I don’t have one giant meal. Because my entire GI system was in revolt over too much food in the evening, and barely any food during the day.

The order of things: Breakfast, something at 10am, something around lunchtime, a 2pm or 3pm snack, dinner. The end, fin. Maybe even a small snack in between the late afternoon one and dinner. The days of going 7-9 hours without eating are over. For all the fasting heroes out there: I’ve tried numerous times. Intermittent fasting is not in the cards for me, as it completely exacerbates my already ornery guts. This is known in IBS circles, but I gave it whirl again recently and it absolutely infuriated my intestines. The audacity…

Fully aware that it may sound like I’m on the cusp of giving myself another borderline eating disorder; I’d like to state that this is not the case. I personally HAVE to be obsessive to make this work. For example: meticulous food logging is the only way I can do this all correctly. Down to the last crumb, even counting out almond flour crackers and measuring sunflower seed portion sizes. I picked up an app that was free over 10 years ago but is now (of course) monetized. The absolute kick in the balls is that I lost my old account that had almost a full year of SOLID food logging, that would have been an amazing reference for comparison.

I’ve been obsessed with food and diet for the latter half of my life and yes, this is part of my core personality. Sorry, not sorry. I know it’s irritated some people throughout my colorful life, but most people are supportive and just go along for the ride. Thankfully the family is extremely supportive. One would think that I would REMEMBER how easily things upset my stomach. Alas, my memory span is apparently short and I am often the author of my own misfortune. Plus its hard to wrap your mind around vegetables being problematic.

I am very into making lists today so:

The Top Five Foods That Ruin Sarah’s Guts In a Bad Way

1. Broccoli (for real)
2. Cauliflower (the pain is legit)
3. Onions. ALL ONIONS (…)
4. Avocado (cries in Mexican food)
5. Most wheat/grains (ok, not shocking or appalling)

Obviously all chips, starches and sugary food is right out. I have to rely on gluten free, and even then it can’t be THAT much gluten-free. Because to much GF sits heavy in my guts and that starts to irritate them. You don’t ever want to anger the guts. You have to tiptoe around them, walk on eggshells because this is 100% an abusive relationship.

Good news is that it IS working. Less IBS pain means I can tell where the other pain is coming from and let me tell you-these endometrioma cysts/masses are taking me out. Having extreme IBS on top of that situation has been unreal and stupid painful. I was literally torturing myself with broccoli and cauliflower. Very hard pill to swallow when you realize that a “superfood”, touted as being packed with all sorts of vitamins can do so much wanton destruction, but here we are. (Those of you with food allergies and autoimmune issues-you are seen).

In the end, most people end up doing a version of keto. Just with different vegetable options. Good thing I adore squash, because it’s now part of most of my meals and makes the intestines happy for the lack of effort they have to put in to, you know, do their goddamn job. The sheer size, and pressure that I am getting from my own personal death star (pictured above) is probably hampering their ability and I should be more understanding but come ON.

Ever the armchair scientist, I will constantly adapt and test on myself until something yields positive results. I am grateful for the Great Keto Experiment of 2012, as I have data to pull from, and methods to apply. If anyone else out there is middle aged with stage 4 endometriosis and acute IBS, just know you aren’t alone. Since I’ve made extreme changes before to the benefit of my health, I am confident that I can do it again. But will I ever get a surgery date? Tune in next time!